This morning I was in the bank helping my cousin fill up some forms where I saw a little girl flashing all her 16teeth. Rest of her teeth were taken by the Mother Fairy🤭🤭.
She was happy because she had done a little shopping that clearly meant a lot to her. Her eyes were glistening with joy. I envied with her joy at that moment as I don’t remember the last time my eyes glistened like that.
A man in his mid thirties, probably his father, along with another man whom she called uncle accompained her and sat with her on the sofa adjoining the one we were sitting on. Her uncle pulled her cheeks with affection and asked her about her shopping spree and oh boy! the way she blushed, it was marvellous, it felt like a hot cup of chocolate in chilly winters. That sight was worth climbing mount everest. And its gonna stay with me for years to come.
That cute, joyous, heartfelt smile made me realize that I have forgotten to enjoy the little things of my life in the conquest of bigger things and well those bigger things they comprise of the little things that I overlook to enjoy each day.
So, I have decided from that moment on that I am going to flash the brighest of my smiles in the little of things that give pleasure and someday after practicising I am gonna really enjoy those little things instead of faking that smile. Like they say “Fake it, till you make it”.
Well, French language has been correctly called to be as a language of Love. The title “Tu me manques” gives a glimpse of that. It means I miss you but if we go in its deeper meaning or if we translate it into english it means”You are missing from me”. What can be more appropriate than this to make someone realize his/her importance in your life?
Personally speaking I connect with this phrase in more ways than I can ever explain. Some call me an emotional fool as I get attached to people very easily and quickly. And it becomes hard for me to just forget someone. People become habit really quick, I can say. And I have a hard time getting out of my habits. Not because they are comfortable always but just because they have become a habit, a routine that I follow. And trust me when a human becomes your habit you are in trouble, a big trouble. And I have a Ph.D. in falling into such troubles.
Anyhow as in life not every habit is a trouble, likewise not every human becomes a problem for you. Some are just meant to be potions. While some even after being a problem, you just can’t get enough of them to let them go because of little issues like self esteem, time management, attitude problems, center of world kind of scenarios, because you feel and you are sure that being with them is worth every trouble. And you know in your heart that if the situations had been a little different your ride would have been smooth. But since your ride has been very bumpy, you have got a taste of that thrill now and you just can’t give up; you are so much in love.
I know many would suggest that you should settle for the smooth ride but I believe that smooth kind of becomes boring after sometime, its the risk that gives the excitement and gives us a purpose. Smooth is good at some points but to attain that salvation you gotta take risk. And there is nothing more riskier than the love with no expectations, where situations are always out of hand, where staying together seems a like a dream in dreams, but where there is a faith that you are loved, cared for, understood and if given a chance will be choosen at a snap of fingers with no second thoughts.
Yes, that kind of love exists. We are all taught that kind of love is just a figment of imagination of writers and poets, but deep down we all have loved and beloved that kind of love in our lives once upon a time or may be you haven’t felt that till now, so just keep your fingers crossed because I am most certain that you will. Its just that most of us ignore such intense feelings in the name of responsibilities, family, society, fear of rejections but we all do feel that at some point of our lives, for someone where we don’t care about anything but just about the companionship of that person.
I am lucky to have felt that love and proud that I have not let any fear reject my feelings for such eternal love. I don’t know what the future holds but at this moment I know that I am loved equally infact more than equally, cared for, understood and trusted upon. And I will ensure that I would never let anything ruin my love for that person under any circumstance as when that person is not with me its not only that I miss that person ; its more of like ” That person is missing from me”. And this is too special for me to loose for anything.
We can chatter nonsense. But when it comes to express ourselves especially to the people we love , we loose words. And we take our own time to get comfortable with that.
The other day I was talking to a wonderful person about relationships, Rumi, love and other philosophical things of life; it was pretty late in the night and we had become the wisest people of this earth like we all do become in our late night chats with the people we click. So, it was one such night with one such conversation where I came up with this classification of myself.
I am like the most talkative person of my life who can blabber about almost anything from the nip of the pen to the blackhole of the universe. And when I say anything I mean anything, it doesn’t necessarily make them senseless, they can be sensible too. I process things pretty quick and I stand up for my nonsense too as I like to take responsibility for whatever shit I do. And that’s what make me an utterly nonsense sensible person. Ya ya I know language isn’t correct but bear with me guys , I have learnt this language from the subtitles more than the textbooks.
And when you have the ability to talk about anything, you can’t keep yourself mum for long, so I get into discussions more than often with random strangers and at most weird of the places in the most awkward situations on rarest of the issues. And I have got my own share of embarrassment for this too but oh boy! what a thrill every single memory gives.
But when it comes to discussing about my emotions to the people I love and care about, I become blank, words evade my universe like petrol was never discovered. I will beat around the bush but the words that need to be said, they just go wandering like kids do before giving their class tests, only difference being kids return after a while but my words don’t.
I take ages to get comfortable before expressing my feelings about someone , I set a field, I set out a watch , I wait and then pray that the other person leaves before I express anything and if after an endless waiting and trying to push the other person away, the other person still stays, I wait for the other person to express their side first. Maybe its because I am afraid of rejection or maybe I am afraid of commitments or I don’t want to push anyone to be with me or I don’t feel myself to be worthy of someone’s love but whatever it is, I never take the first step. And when I take the step, I don’t take it back. I just don’t know how to. So, this may also be one of the reasons that I don’t want to take the step in the first place because we can never be sure whether our steps are right.
And the times when steps were retracted, those were shattering, like nightmares. Still painful, wounds fresh like we were injured just now, making me more introvert when it comes to sharing my feelings to the people I love, care and cherish but making me more chattery, extrovert and accessible to the random strangers in general at the same time.
We can chatter nonsense. But when it comes to express ourselves especially to the people we love , we loose words. And we take our own time to get comfortable with that.
The title is very close to my heart as it explains a bit of what I feel for this one person in my life. Many had tried to name our relationship, but none has come even near, leave alone giving this beautiful bond any name.
And the reason why I haven’t yet named whatever we have, is because no tag can justify the feelings involved. To be with someone when there is a lot of love and more love is awesome, but to be with someone where there is more passion and anger is an altogether different level of beauty. And by anger, I don’t mean the toxic one, but the anger that cries out loud about the love,care,concern and respect for the other person.
I believe there is no emotion pure than anger and if you can express your anger to someone and despite everything you blabber out, if you both can still find yourselves comfortable and in love with each other, then you have got the best relationship any human can have. And it should be from both sides. Your way of expressing anger can differ, but as long as you can convey this form of emotion and yet not get tired of eachother, you are in deep deep love and no one can save you from riding this boat.
And there is no guranty of this boat ever getting to shore, yet each one of your bones will feel every single wave to the extreme and then find peace in the ripples. These waves come in different forms of happiness,sadness,doubts,issues,fights,calm, chaos every emotion you can imagine just like a sailor experiences on a long voyage with no hope of ever getting home again.
Anger is a very integral part of long lasting relationships. Sweetness of love is not enough, we need saltiness of anger too, for the balance,else our blood pressure will suffer and the relationship will fall apart because it becomes boring. We can never have just one delicacy for our whole life, we need a full fledged menu of cuisines, only then our apetite will get satisfied.
India celebrated her 75th Independence Day, this 15th of August. The Tricolor was hoisted at places where it had not been possible even to say “Hail India” without the fear of being targeted. And this was the major victory.
A wise man once said that it is easier to attain freedom than to maintain it. And India has faced many such threats that might have made us slaves once again. But why am I writing this if everything is great at present? Well, things are not great even after 75years of Independence and there seems no near future for the things to be fine.
Why is it so? There are many things that need to be discussed, sorted out and finally curated. Here I am gonna talk about a few which I have personally encountered or witnessed.
The biggest asset of Indian identity is her secularism that makes her the most unique land and it is also the biggest threat to Indian culture and peace due to the ongoing extremist religious temperament , be it of any religion. The so called followers of each religion are trying every thing possible to defame other religions. Earlier the drift was between Sanatan Dharma (popularly known as Hinduism) and Islam but now the drift is between most of the religions be it Sikhism or Christianity. No matter how bright version is portrayed to the world the ground reality is altogether different. There is blatant dislike if not hatred. And the reason behind this is the unlimited supply of money. People are fed false, aggravated, twisted plots like it is the nutrition essential for survival. And in one way or the other it is essential for some goons who have entered politics. This is often called as vote bank politics too. The events that occurred hundreds of years ago are still used to perpetuate hatred among different sects of population. The new generations are not allowed to forget and forgive the things the ancestors have done, rather they are filled with anger towards the present generations of other sects. Then how my country is ever going to celebrate her secularism once again?
The other problem here is Caste system. The reservations were very important throughout India at the time constitution was made and I won’t deny that these are still important in many areas. But is it important for everyone who can have these? No, it is not. The people have forgotten the essence behind the need for reservations. These were meant to bring equality, but now these are misused by those who have attained the social status of being equal. The people who really need the reservations are not able to take the benefit as the ones who are now privileged are not giving up their quota and rather trying everything to have a hold of reservations even when they should give them up so that the poor who is still considered untouchable can avail the benefits and become equal in the eyes of society. Because the ones with the money are considered equal or I should say there is a higher chance that they have more access to the justice than the ones who are empty handed.
Continuing this thread only, I believe in reservations for the poor rather than the riches no matter what their caste is. After all we live in a practical world where we need to focus on things that can really uplift someone even if some don’t want them to. And what is more realistic and powerful than money in today’s world. Ya, education is also there but we all know that the status money has in this world is not comparable to anything else. And it is a very sad and harsh reality that should be accepted now by everyone.
The problem of regionalism is also not hidden. The states are fighting with each other over electricity, water, food resources, taxes, boundaries and what not. While I am writing this blog, I realized how complicated my homeland is and the solution to every problem starts with clear cut communication but that is seems to be a very difficult task , as there are political agendas behind almost every problem. And to gain the seats, political parties leave no stone unturned to broaden the gap instead of filling it.
The other major issue is journalism of my country. Journalism is to bring the truth out of every single crevice of lies. But here the journalism is bought or restrained due to pressure from authorities and what they finally present to the audience adds fuels to the issues discussed above. The social media came as a savior of truth but soon became a fight club between right wing and left wing and most of the handles are either bought or funded again by the political goons. So, at present what the citizens have to rely on for real news is the analysis of multiple news resources and then make a conclusion of it. But what is the percentage of that conclusion being right is yet another question that needs further deeper insight.
So all in all I want to state that the major problem of my country is the political illiteracy that leads to the twisted plots and lies. And this illiteracy is eating up the possibility of peace for future generations. So, we need to make ourselves educated by focusing on the truths and being subjective, logical and objective about everything that we encounter rather than believing the mere facts.
India is still great and wonderful in her own ways despite the issues and if we compare her to others ( though we need not to) then we will know how amazing She is as a nation. This I will talk about some other day.
At the end of this blog, I just hope that we overcome our flaws one step at a time if speed is the issue and the idea of a perfect India that we present to the world be lived fully by all citizens.
The Truth walked in, and love fell all around. Love found us. We died. So, we settled down. Drunk and so full of pride! Shamed when sober! The price of love is peace and calm! Tempted, we fell. We died. He cared for me, he gave me drink, he ravaged me, he cherished me. He came from nowhere. He called me. I came. Lover! Savior! My Path! My Elixir! You gave me a cup. I passed it around. What you said was true: love’s blessings astound. From behind, you rose, you fi lled me. I’m bound. He knocked, poured a cup. I woke up! We built intoxication as our foundation. We saw shy women. Such fascination! Lanterns in the dark. Stunned adoration! We stared, grateful. Pure intoxication! Still drunk, we carried on, found our reward. We returned with wealth, with culture, and adorned with elation. To every passerby, we confessed our blessed revelation.
What Rumi felt for Shams is devotional and pious. He didn’t let his love get burried in the history but made it an inspiration for generations to come via his poetry.
This poem is taken from the book ” Love Is My Savior, The Arabic Poems Of Rumi” Translated and Edited by Nesreen Akhtarkhavari and Anthony A. Lee
Let’s Be Pure Come on! Come on! Come on, now! Let’s be pure. Let’s end our fl irtation with temptation, let your glance cleanse us of degradation, return to the pure wine we drank when we sat in congregation, the cups passed ’round and off ered up with no hesitation, pure, cool, shimmering nectar of salvation. We drank in secret—some days in the street. Our wine’s perfume was carried off so far even the desert beasts yearned for its sweet. But you’re the key that opens up the jars of that red fl ow, when friends sit at your feet. Th ere, every priceless thing becomes a lie. Th ere, drunk on wine and drunk on you, I lie. I love and drink, and when I hate I die. My friends, forgive me! My Lord, hear my cry! I’m melting with desire and love’s duty for my Master—Just look at his beauty!— my refuge from death and calamity. May God bless any land where Shams may be! God gave Tabriz the best of his bounty.
I was watching this movie “Chemical Hearts” from where I picked my title. Few lines of this movie left an impression on me which I am sharing here along with what those lines mean to me.
” Adults are just scarred kids who are lucky enough to make it out of limbo alive.” Its true as every adult has suffered an emotional wound in their teenage that can never be healed. You don’t believe me, go ask any adult you find. And hear their experience. There would be a lot of fun but a there will also be a scar that defines them in more than one ways.
“When you are a teenager, the chemicals in your brain drive you to make decisions that rip you away from the safety of your childhood and drag you into the wilderness of adulthood.” Who doesn’t know about hormones? They literally make us do things, that we were scared to do as a child and the things that we might never do when we become adults. That transition is so overwhelming and at few points , we also want to pause this stage which links our innocence of childhood to our depravity of adulthood
“There’s a reason why when every author, from Shakespeare to Salinger, write about young people, they can’t avoid the truth, that being young is so painful, it’s almost too much to feel.” Who has not felt that thumping pain in the chest like it would explode? Who has not felt butterflies in the stomach seeing that someone special? Who has not developed a crush on their school teacher? Who has not felt that heart break? Who has not lost friends? Who has not gone through shitty days that ended up with bright smiles and vice-versa? Each one of us have felt so many emotions and differents version of a single emotion in these few years of our life that sometimes we think what the hell is going on, how is it possible that I am still alive and my heart has not exploded. There is just too much of emotions that they feel like burden we have to forcefully carry.
“Sometimes it’s just easier to slip into your own dark abyss and forget the world exists.” There comes a time in our teenage when we shut everyone out ; sometimes because we loose faith in relationships, sometimes we don’t want to hurt others ,sometimes we want to protect ourselves and at other times just to know ourselves a little bit better and figure out what we want. In those times,the world definitely ceases to exist and we are lost in the blank spaces of our mind.
“We tend to think of scars as ugly or imperfect, as things we want to hide or forget. But they never go away.” The memory we want to forget the most, is the one who stays with us even if forget everything else. Because that memory defines us in a lot number of ways and becomes an integral part of our personality. No matter how much we try, we see its reflections here and there , sticking with us till eternity.
“Scars are not reminders of what’s been broken, but rather of what’s been created.” Scars show us the mirror. They are not something that reflect what was damaged, rather they reflect what was fixed, what we learnt, our experiences and the things that made us this wise to understand the anonymity of life.
“You are an extraoridinary collection of atoms, Henry Page.” This was the last dialogue of movie and it beautifully explains what we feel for people we love, the consolation we give to ourselves when we loose someone and the chemistry between two people who are separating today but will be together tomorrow.
Well this was my interpretation. Tell me yours. Signing out with my message
Road is not always gonna be smooth, straight and sexy , sometimes it would be curvy, other times with a lot of ditches, and well most of the times a combination of all of the above. You need to paddle your bicycle to stay in motion, in balance, and to enjoy the marvels, nature has reserved for you.
Same is with the life. Its not always gonna be easy. It gonna be rough, hard, suffocating at times; it’s not gonna offer you happiness all the time, there would be reserves of sadness too; but just like the road, to enjoy what life has for us, we need to keep going, to have that balance between happiness and sadness and everyother thing that happens with us, we need to keep paddling on the road of our lives to relish the awesomeness of life. The key is to ” NEVER GIVE UP”. And no matter how broken you are, someday you will find that balance, just keep paddling.
Ok now Let’s continue from the first part. My life had been in deep shit in the past six years, I had changed a lot. My childhood wasn’t what it should have been. And I could never be a teenager. It was like the ghost of an adult person came to live in my body. I was no longer a kid and what it meant to be a teenager, I am still unaware of. There was only darkness and I knew that I can never be the same optimistic person that I used to be. The kid inside me was lost. And the only light that I could experience was when I rode my beauty. Those rides made me feel alive, those actually made me feel anything after so long. Because in these six years, I had become immune to pain both physical and emotional. So when the road was bumpy , I enjoyed it because that made me feel human, and not some machine set on automatic mode.
I know many of you might be guessing the reasons but there is no point. I will share them when I would feel like. And many of you will laugh so till then just know that I have the world’s best family one can ask for.
I spent most of my evenings with my bicycle, but I never went too far from my home. I very rarely crossed my lane but still I enjoyed it to the fullest. Because bikes no matter in what form they come , ensure freedom to your soul. And that was what I needed at that point of time so that I don’t slip into darkness.
Epilogue: I have now learnt how to drive motor bike (girl version 🤭) and that thrill of speed comes back sometimes. But as I have lost someone because of speed, I just smile and let it pass; the air on my face fills me with a new life (ok that was way out of league ;its not dat air contains sperms, but I hope u get what I mean 😉). The darkness is still here but one day on the way to Ladakh riding a bike, I will make sure I replace that darkness with the light this world has to offer.
(Writing stuff like this, narrating a story, is new and hard for me. I tried to explain the events but I would totally get it if I didn’t make much sense to you. Your opinions are welcomed. Help me learn the wonders of writing).
"I miss you" These words are hollow As these don't justify What feelings my heart follow. You are not some random person That I got to like You are my world That gets my heart rate at hike. You have other priorities And I am not even an option But I just pray That you too are a priority of your priorities That when the hard time comes You don't have to face it alone, But if such a situation arises That you are left alone Just remember You are not just a random person That I got to like You are my world That brings me light...
Copyright: @khajuriasakshi (alias myself)
This creation can use a lot of touch ups, but I want to keep it like this only. Because it explains how I feel when the people I priortise over everything , leave , even without saying goodbyes.
Its human nature to feel emotional, angry and frustrated when such things happen, but it also important that we remember it was we who loved them and it was us who priortized them. So, we can’t put the blame on the ones who left, because we didn’t take their permission before loving them.
Yes, they might have done a little better by atleast bidding us proper goodbyes, but its their life and they can choose how to live it.
What we can do is to cherish the good moments that we shared, instead of clinging on the why’s. Because that would lead us in utter agony and we should not feel something like that for someone whom we love so dearly.
Afterall love is a risk, you either reach the other end or you get to sink. But as it is said its better to love and loose than to never have experienced love at all. With this, I would say keep loving and stop expecting. The only key to have a peaceful life with the never ending ability to love. Signing out with my message
P.S. share your opinions and lets have a chat. That way we can also get to know each other better.take care